Jennie’s Testimony for Grandma

When I was 3, I had these 2 canaries—one was blue and the other green. We bought them together and so for their whole lives, they’ve only had each other. One day, as I was feeding the two, the blue bird flew out of the window. My mom quickly came and closed the window, before scolding me on my carelessness. For a several days following, the green canary refused all food and any attention. She sat there with her head down, ridden with depression and loneliness. A week later, my mom walked into the laundry room in where we kept the cage; I followed right behind her. She let out a scream and shielded me from the scene ahead, as that will be the first time I’ll see death. The green canary committed birdy suicide, because she couldn’t live without her partner.

When I was younger, I would romanticize the story by saying these birds were lovers; as I’m older now, it’s quite possible to me that these canaries were no more than just siblings. Either way, losing a loved one or a relative sends daggers to your heart just the same.

I didn’t mean for my opening to start off so grim, but truthfully, I’ve always found this story quite hauntingly romantic, in the same classic way that we view Romeo and Juliet.

Death is predictable; what is unpredictable though is how people react to death. I knew that my most recent trip back to China was to see my grandma for the last time. My feelings were tumultuous—ranging from disbelief to distress. My mother, however, was a beacon of strength. Although it must have been a time of immense loss for, she dealt with the situation with such calmness.

I, on the other hand, felt like the only pure, untainted love was gone from my life. She was always this bright, positive, acquitted figure that was a large part of my formative years. Anytime I was brought down, she brought me up. First few years of my life, I was such a brat—and she had to deal with me. I’d scratch her face when we’ll play. My mom said that she’ll come home to my grandmother, painted with the colors from our coloring session together. I was like a cat, and she’ll be the one to clean up my litter. They say “no one can love you as unconditionally as a grandparent”, so to lose that felt like an end of innocence to me.

My grandpa passed away less than two years after his lover was gone. Even though my mom had this façade of strength, I knew how much she must have been hurting inside—because how can you not? All the things we say about a death, “they’re in a better place”, “I’m so sorry”, it all seems so useless when you hear it for the first time, doesn’t it? You could only be completely, gratingly honest about your own emotions. I told my mother that grandpa passed away, because he simply did not want to live without grandma.

For two people who have been together for over 6 decades, how can anyone fathom what life is like without the other. I didn’t know too much about their relationship, only that my grandma cooked, cleaned, nurtured him and their 5 children tirelessly for her entire lifetime. When someone loses their lifetime partner, nothing will ever replace the emptiness that dwells in the home that both of them shared. The silence overpowers the ruminating echoes of their voice.

After hearing the news of my grandpa’s passing, after my stomach dropping, after the shock, pain, anger, depression, upward, reconstruction… I found my atonement.

A flashback to 18 years ago, I was 3 again. Instead of letting out 1 bird, I let out both. The green canary flew away and finally found his partner.

在我三岁那年，妈妈的好朋友送给我两只金丝雀，一蓝一绿，相依为伴。一天，当我给他们喂食时，那蓝鸟乘机飞出了笼子。妈妈还来不及怪我，先把鸟笼关上了。在接下来的几天日子里，那绿鸟不吃不喝，垂头丧气，背负忧伤，承受孤单。一个星期后，妈妈走进鸟笼所在的洗衣房，我跟在后面。只听到她尖叫一声并把我挡在身后，因为那鸟 - 死了，妈妈不想让年幼的我看到死亡。那鸟因失去同伴而不愿苟且偷生，宁愿绝食而亡。

在我稍微懂事的时候，每当想起这对鸟，我会浪漫地想像他们是一对情侣；现在成年的我认为他们更像是兄妹俩。无论怎样，失去相依为命的另一半总是心如刀绞，有何不同呢。尽管不想以此记忆开篇，但是真的，每当脑海浮现，总是难于释怀，不禁联想到罗密欧与朱丽叶的经典故事。

死亡是预知的，但各人面对生死离别的反应是不同的。几年前妈妈带我和妹妹去中国看望外公外婆，想不到那次竟是最后一别。后来当我听到外婆过世的消息时，仿佛五雷轰顶，几许难于置信，直至极度悲伤。妈妈真是力量灯塔，我知道她内心万分忧伤，但表现坚强，泰然处之。

另一方面，我感叹那仅有的纯洁无私的爱离我远去了。外婆总是那样的阳光、正向，熟悉的身影是我童年成长中的重要组成部分。每当我跌倒的时候，她总在旁边把我扶起来。我在幼年时期是那样的调皮，给她添了不少麻烦。有时外婆陪我玩的时候我会抓伤她的脸。我就像只小猫把家里搞得乱七八糟，外婆总是不厌其烦地在后面收拾残局。俗话说，没有谁比外婆更无条件地赐爱，所以失去了这样的爱，我那天真幼稚的童年也就结束了。

外婆病了，妈妈带我回国探望，殊不知回美后几个月外婆就走了。我在独处的异乡，哭了。妈妈虽然外表坚强，但内心深处是何等的伤痛？有谁不会呢？人们常安慰道，“逝者在乐园安息“，“我很难过”，可这些安慰之词对痛者是那样的无济于事。只有自己才能诚实面对内心的复杂情绪。遗憾的是，外公在外婆离世后一年也随她而去了。我对妈妈说，外公的离世就是因为他失去了外婆后不再留恋这个世界。

相依相伴，六载有余，失去配偶，何以为续？尽管我对外公外婆之间的感情知之不多，但我知道外婆为外公洗衣做饭，照顾周到；抚养五个儿女，终身操劳不倦。当一个人失去了终身伴侣的时候，没有任何事物可以替补这个空缺。曾经的笑语身影，居所里何处寻找？当外公去世的噩耗传来，我经历了震惊、痛苦、恼怒、沮丧，翻肠倒肚，振作起来，重振精神……我自责忏悔。

时光倒流十八年，我又回到三岁。我不会让一只鸟飞走，而是两只一起飞走。让那绿色金丝雀追随先去的同伴，蓝色金丝雀，比翼双飞。

—Written in 2014, in memory of my grandparents

Words of Encouragement